The early ’80s had its share of cinematic misfires, and 1982 was no exception. From cringe-worthy scripts to laughable special effects, these 16 films represent the nadir of ’80s cinema. Whether you’re into bizarre sci-fi or painfully bad comedies, prepare for a journey through the cinematic train wrecks of 1982.
1. Annie
The theatrical production of Annie was incredible. The movie adaption sucks. For a musical, the songs are horrible. The acting is equally bad with Aileen Quinn being nominated for a Razzie award. As one person stated this movie is a complete “crapfest.”
2. Firefox
The trailer makes this movie look incredible. After all, that’s the whole point of trailers, right? But don’t be fooled. In “Firefox”, Clint Eastwood comes across as indestructible. How many bad guys shoot at him and miss while he takes them out one by one like shooting cans off a fence? The writing is awful, leading you through the movie as though you are too stupid to figure things out on your own. Give this flick the flick.
3. Parasite
A scientist creates a deadly parasite that decides to attach itself to his stomach. Let that be a warning to kids who want to mess around in the science lab. What makes this movie so bad is the way the director underutilizes the cast. Not that their acting was fantastic. It was Demi Moore’s initial foray into the business and she sucked. All the actors sucked! One reviewer concludes “The fact that it was shot film was a total waste of cellulose”
4 Halloween III: Season of the Witch
For horror fans, the Halloween franchise does have its stand-out entries such as the initial film. Halloween III lacks in plot and scares. The whole premise stretches the imagination: a guy tries to get mind control over kids by having them wear novelty Halloween masks. There was no tie-in to the original two films. Fans were left to lament how truly awful this movie was.
5. Grease 2
“Grease” was a fantastic film. This sequel pales, actually, it shrivels and dies, in comparison to the original. The songs are awful. Also, the director, writer, and cast were all changed and it shows they have no idea what they’re doing. This is “an evil sequel” as one critic said.
6. Jinxed
Bette Midler’s career was nearly jinxed starring in his abomination of a movie. You can play “Spot how many things are unbelievable” with the plot. The whole movie is a jumbled mess. As a comedy, it fails as there are few hilarious moments in the film. It’s a complete bore with many viewers struggling to watch it until the end
7. The House Where Evil Dwells
An American family moves into a home in Kyoto, Japan where a samurai warrior has committed a murder-suicide. A great premise for a decent horror movie, which this isn’t. Instead, it inadvertently is a comedy because it’s so bad. The dialogue is cheesy and the entire movie is boring. Oh, there are also crabs that mutter. Still tempted to watch this trash?
8. Kiss Me Goodbye
This remake of the Brazilian film “Dona Flor and Her Two Husbands” has nothing of the spirit or character that made the original such a great movie. As a rom-com “Kiss Me Goodbye” lacks in both romance and comedy. James Caan says he regrets being involved in this travesty. When you watch it, if you’re game enough, you’ll understand why.
9. Penitentiary II
A low-budget and predictable boxing movie. You have been warned! It doesn’t have anything that made the first film awesome. The comedy is less sophisticated, bordering on toilet humor and there is little drama. Overall it’s a drab movie.
10. Rocky III
If you loved Rocky in the first two films, you won’t like him in this one. He is abhorrent in this installment. Sylvester Stallone takes the opportunity to make “Rocky III” all about himself. Most of the film is a stringing together of fight montages. One redeemable feature of this movie is Mr. T. It’s a movie that adds nothing to the story of Rocky.
11. Trail of the Pink Panther
Peter Sellers was a great Clouseau in the Pink Panther movies. Unfortunately, he passed away in 1980. However, that didn’t stop the film-making mill from grinding out another movie for the series, posthumously. There is no plot with this movie and it’s made up of clips from the previous ones. It’s a waste of money, and time and an insult to Peter Sellers. As one reviewer pointed out “stringing clips of a movie together…does not equal a movie”.
12. Against All Hope
A film that has a powerful message as an alcoholic reaches out to a reverend for help. Sadly, “Against All Hope” is hopeless. The acting is wooden with dialogue being drowned out by traffic noise. Most who have watched this liken it to a Christian promotional video rather than a movie. A movie made on a shoestring budget and it shows.
13. Paradise
A couple of kids have their families massacred by Arab marauders. A storyline that has the potential for suspense, horror, and intrigue. Yet, it comes across as a rehash of “Blue Lagoon”, except this time it’s in a desert. There is no plot and is just a horrible excuse for the two young stars to expose themselves. Don’t waste an hour and forty minutes of your time watching this trash.
14. Tron
“Tron” did have some incredible special effects for a movie of the time. Remember, we’re talking 1982. Yet, the plot is pretty implausible: a guy gets zapped into a computer game. The screenwriting isn’t fantastic and the acting is pretty sub-par. It’s a pretty slow-paced movie with a climax that is more anti-climatic.
15. Yes, Giorgio
Luciano Pavarotti plays an opera singer who loses his voice while on tour in America. That should be enough to let you know what junk this film is. The film descends into a soap opera after the first half hour. As a romantic film, it fails. There is incessant arguing between the two main characters. There is “absolutely no reason to watch this” a reviewer cautioned.
16. Partners
In today’s tolerant society, the premise of this film may offend. A straight police detective is unnerved when ordered to partner up with a gay counterpart to solve a bunch of murders in the gay community. Every stereotype surrounding gay people is brought out in this film to drum up laughs. It’s a film that isn’t funny and is boring. “Partners” is an appalling film in every respect. “A must miss” as one astute individual suggests.
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