From the Vaults of ’81 -16 Cinematic Missteps We Wish Stayed Buried

Alex Brown

Let’s take a trip down memory lane to revisit the cinematic disasters of 1981. Prepare yourself, because we’re diving into the 16 films that, well, let’s just say, didn’t quite make the “best of” list.

1. My Bloody Valentine 

Photo Credit: Canadian Film Development Corporation.

A film that tries to cash in on the slasher films but fails. There is no tension or memorable scares. The actors don’t care about their performances and some of the storyline is implausible. As one reviewer states “The characters are weak and the villain is forgettable”. That sums up this film nicely.

2. Nobody’s Perfekt 

Photo Credit: Columbia Pictures.

You would think that with well-known comedians such as Gabe Kaplan and Alex Karras, this movie would be funny. But it’s not. The humor falls flat and lacks cleverness. The plot centers around a criminal who disguises himself as a psychiatrist in a mental hospital. That has the potential for a great movie, but it’s a missed opportunity in both the writing and the acting.  One person said, “Someone gave me free tickets to this movie and it was so bad we wanted to walk out halfway through the movie.” This movie is anything but perfekt.

3. Endless Love

Photo Credit: PolyGram Pictures.

“Endless Love” caused controversy due to the theme of the intimate relationship between two teenagers. It is a film that is overly melodramatic and too sentimental. The acting is over the top and there is no consistency or logic. You’ll be weeping endless tears watching this as it’s that bad.

4. Frankenstein Island 

Photo Credit: Cerito Films.

Everything about this film is awful. Yet, you probably expected that just from the title. The special effects and make-up are ridiculous. As for the dialogue, it’s as though people don’t know how to have a conversation and the plot is incoherent. It tries to pass itself off as a horror by using excessive gore. Unfortunately, this ends up more of a comedy rather than a horror.

5. The Hand

Photo Credit: Orion Pictures.

A severed hand takes on a life of its own and starts to murder people. Let’s just stop there, huh? As a horror film, it tries to deliver more which overcomplicates the movie. The acting is decent, and the writing isn’t bad. So, what makes this a bad movie? The implausibility of a hand acting as a murderer and little suspense.

6. Rollover

Photo Credit: Orion Pictures.

Want to learn about economics? Watch this film. It comes across more as more of a lecture on finance than a movie. That makes it dull and a snooze-fest. The dialogue is full of financial terms which will have you wondering what the characters are talking about. If you aren’t into finance, then you won’t be into this movie.

7. On The Right Track

Photo Credit: 20th Century Fox.

A homeless man stumbles into a job at a train station. That’s a feel-good story, but the characters are one-dimensional so you don’t develop an empathy for them. As a comedy, the jokes are thin and unoriginal. You might be on the right track by avoiding watching this.

8. Saturday The 14th

Photo Credit: New World Pictures.

As a parody of slasher films, this movie misses the mark completely. A family inherits a mansion and stumbles across a “Book of Evil” that houses an assortment of monsters inside. The special effects aren’t convincing and can come across as comical. As one viewer concludes “No scares, no laughs, not even any good unintentional humor. Just… bad”

9. Carbon Copy

Photo Credit: RKO Pictures.

Here is a film that tackles the issue of race and identity humorously. The problem is that it comes across as offensive comedy. Another issue is that it isn’t that funny. “Carbon Copy” gets progressively more insulting and ridiculous.  Delete this “copy” from your “must-watch” list.

10. Paternity

Photo Credit: Paramount Pictures.

Burt Reynolds longs for a baby and so hires a surrogate mother. It has the makings of a great rom-com, but doesn’t deliver the “baby”. Burt’s acting reflects his complacency as a major star at the time. The story is predictable, which means boring.

11. The Other Hell

Photo Credit: Accord Cinematografica.

One of the major problems with this film is its confusing plot. It tries to mix horror with a supernatural thriller and fails. To make it suspenseful, the movie relies on gratuitous violence rather than a more subtle psychological fright. The amount of gore is off-putting and excessive. One reviewer laments “’The other hell’ is simply bad, sometimes almost to the point of being unwatchable, and seems to drag on for far longer than it actually is. I regret ever pressing ‘play’.”

12. Rich and Famous

Photo Credit: Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer.

Here is a movie that is melodramatic and cliched. The characters are stereotypical and one viewer commented “I was ashamed to think there were women who actually live this way”. As for the dialogue, one is left to contemplate if people talk like that. The tone is uneven and jumps all over the place. An embarrassing swan-song movie for George Cukor who hung up his director’s hat after this travesty.

13. Going Ape!

Photo Credit: Paramount Pictures.

A kids’ movie that is suitable for…kids. As a family film, you may find the jokes and gags a bit juvenile. The orangutans fail to bring anything comedic into the scenes they are involved in. For humor “Going Ape” relies on crass jokes rather than cleverly written wit. You might go bananas trying to tolerate this offering from 1981.

14. Condorman

Photo Credit: Walt Disney Productions.

The script comes across as being geared towards children: a comic book writer becomes a superhero. It’s a storyline that is juvenile and simplistic. “Condorman” has ridiculously cheap special effects. The film also lacks any aspect of realism in both the way the main character turns into a superhero and the unfolding of the story. Let this movie out to roost.

15. Sphinx

Photo Credit: Orion Pictures.

A movie that is just confusing as it tries to combine mystery, romance, and espionage. You are left wondering which of these it is. The Eguptian setting is inauthentic and the historical context is superficial. Lesley Ann Down whines and whimpers throughout the movie, so be prepared to become irritated quickly. Oh, and don’t let the movie title fool you…this has nothing to do with a Sphinx.  Many will tell you that “Sphinx” stinx.

16. Buddy Buddy

Photo Credit: Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer/United Artists.

This movie from Billy Wilder comes across as tired and tedious from the start to the finish. The humor is strained and unsubtle. Major chances to make this a great comedy are missed and everything descends into cliches and predictability. “Buddy Buddy” is a complete disappointment and a terrible way for Billy Wilder to end a wonderful career.

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Alex Brown
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