In the wild world of ’80s cinema, 1983 delivered a treasure trove of cinematic disasters. From baffling plots to hilariously awful acting, these 16 films are a masterclass in how not to make a movie. Get ready to cringe, laugh, and shake your head at the unforgettable mess of ’83.
1. Two of a Kind
God wants to destroy the earth but two people are chosen to help angels redeem humanity. It’s a story that has been told before by anyone who has read the Bible, Quran, or even the Torah. John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John are paired up again. But this ain’t “Grease” and the pairing doesn’t work in “Two of a Kind”. The acting is hammy and the movie lacks any life. A stinker of a film.
2. Krull
A sci-fi/fantasy flick that has you laughing throughout the entire movie. But it’s not meant to be a comedy. So, that’s how terrible “Krull” is. It’s flat and inane. If you want something that will make you nod off, then watch this.
3. Copper Mountain
Two friends go to a ski resort. One is more interested in females while the other wants to do some skiing. It has Jim Carry doing his standard Jim Carry thing, which can be tedious and repetitive. Those who have endured this travesty of a film liken it to a Club Med advertisement rather than a movie. There is no plot to speak of and most “Copper Mountain” run time is padded out with music. A reviewer states “This movie is so bad it’s something to be marvelled at.”
4. Staying Alive
The issue with “Staying Alive” is that nobody gave two hoots about what happened to Tony Manero after “Saturday Night Fever”. Also, we are entering into the midst of the 80s when break dancing was in and disco was out. The storyline is uninspiring: a dance instructor who wants to go professional. As for the music, it’s so poppy and there is no life in it. A turkey of a movie that lacks the energy.
5. Deal of the Century
An arms dealer tries to sell weapons to a South American dictator. That has the makings of an awesome movie, but this fails to capture it. It’s supposed to be a comedy, yet there are only a few lines during the film that suggest it is. Most of the time it just lulls along. Make a deal with yourself to keep away from this one.
6. Superman III
The Superman franchise decided to take a comedic turn with this film. Whether that was intentional or not is up for the viewer to decide. However, it doesn’t work and makes this a farce of a movie. A cinematic piece of Kryptonite in the world of Superman.
7. Amityville 3-D
3-D movies reached the height of popularity around 1983. “Amityville 3-D” was a failed attempt as the 3D effects were cheesy. The script was just a rehash of other Amityville movies, so offers nothing new and exciting. Also, most of the scenes are dark and gloomy, making it hard to see what’s going on. It’s a movie that goes down in history as one of the worst horror movies ever made.
8. Overdrawn at the Memory Bank
Set in a dystopian future in which the government controls people’s minds through memory banks. One individual is caught downloading illegal movies and has to undergo a mind wipe. Yet the wipe goes wrong and the person is trapped in a virtual reality world. A great concept but poorly executed in “Overdrawn at the Memory Bank”. The plot is confusing as it jumps around between different timelines and realities. You are left wondering what’s happening. Raul Julia gives a strong performance but the supporting actors are below par. The film tries to be funny and serious but fails at both. A critic has an apt warning about this film…”Avoid at all costs.”
9. Smokey and the Bandit Part 3
This third installment in the series doesn’t have Burt Reynolds in it and it shows. He was a major part of the first two films. Perhaps he saw how pathetic the script was and made a wise decision to stay out. Regarding the script, it’s like the writers were making things up as they went. The stunts are cheap and poorly executed. “Smokey and the Bandit Part 3” is riddled with cliches and bad jokes. A reviewer sums up the movie “Smokey and the Bandit Part 3 is a complete and utter mess. The plot is nonexistent, the acting is terrible, and the stunts are laughable. But worst of all, the film is simply not funny.”
10. The Pod People
This has a reputation as being one of the worst movies ever made. The film’s plot is full of holes and inconsistencies, making it difficult for viewers to follow along. For example, it is never fully explained how the alien pods are able to replicate human beings, or why they would want to do so. It’s a low-budget film and that’s reflected in the cheap-looking effects. As a rip-off of “Invasion of the Body Snatchers,” this movie doesn’t offer anything new or original. Put this flick back in its pod and send it to the nether regions of the universe.
11. Going Berserk
“Going Berserk” is a film that simply lumbers around and goes nowhere. Eugene Levy does a lot of yelling and Joe Flaherty spends most of the time hanging around in the background doing nothing. The entire movie comes across as a bunch of “Saturday Night Live” sketches stitched together. You may end up berserk watching this travesty.
12. Warrior of the Lost World
A mercenary on a high-tech motorcycle seeks to overthrow a controlling Orwellian government. Take Mad Max and combine it with Knigtrider and you end up with this trash. There are so many holes in the script you could easily ride a motorcycle through them. The sound effects become irritating as they are used for all the machinery. Robert Ginty acts disinterested and slurs. There’s a lot of action if you prefer that over an intelligent script.
13. BMX Bandits
Three BMX enthusiasts get caught up with a bunch of bank robbers after taking their walkie-talkies. The plot is plain and a yawn-fest. It’s just an excuse for the kids to do BMX throughout the city on ramps that always seem to be at the right place. Even then the footage looks as if it’s taken from a home video. The chase scenes will have you laughing at how implausible and ridiculous they are.
14. The Lonely Lady
Based on the novel of the same name, this film completely butchers the source material. It’s a sleaze fest with weak acting and an even weaker storyline. “The Lonely Lady” is rife with misogyny, racism, and homophobia. There are filler scenes that are just there to pad out the movie so it lasts for the standard one and a half hours. One critic says “There is absolutely nothing to redeem this movie”. Heed the warning!
15. Deadly Force
A cop seeks justice after his partner is murdered. It’s a plot that has been played out so many times in movies, therefore don’t expect to find anything original with this one. The entire film is a by-the-book formula of a police action flick. With all bad movies the acting in “Deadly Force” is tedious and unemotional. Give this one a miss. You won’t regret it.
16 Spacehunter: Adventures in the Forbidden Zone
What would happen if Star Wars, Mad Max, and the Terminator all got together and had a baby? The answer: Spacehunter. Unfortunately, it’s a baby that lacks any of the qualities of its “parents”. There is a distracting weirdness throughout the film. The female characters all come across as helpless and in need of rescuing. At the beginning of “Spacehunter”, the movie comes across as decent but then descends into something campy and corny. Place this film in the “Forbidden Zone” and leave it there. That’s what it deserves.
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